Just venting stuff

Here are just some things I had on my chest that needed to get out. It’s me venting…

I’m angry that you just cut me, seemingly out of nowhere. I’m angry it seems so easy for you, as if you could just flip a switch and cut me out. I’m angry you avoid saying things like you miss me, love me or even talk to me. I’m angry that if I don’t write you, or ask you to do things, it seems like we would never talk again. I’m angry because you can’t or won’t even reply to me when I just try to send a friendly Snapchat (I mean as a picture). Or that you won’t open it just so I won’t see you’ve been online because that would mean you’d have to interact with me. I’m angry that from what Mar and Jacob have “advised” me it seems you’ve told them you’re definitely never getting together with me again. I’m angry you say you want “less of everything,” but never really gave me a real chance to adapt to that. I’m angry that less of everything to me, seemed like you wanted less of me than anyone else. I’m angry that pictures of friends came before me, social media with friends came before me, I can’t remember last time you had a public picture of the two of us like a profile picture. I’m angry because you wanted more of your friends than you wanted from me. I’m angry because you told me yesterday that if I had done less then we’d still be together, but at the same time you pulled so far away you gave me no choice but to do everything I could to pull you back in. I’m angry because you instead of communicating and working properly with me to make it work, you made it absolutely impossible for me to adapt to what you needed. I’m angry that when I told you last night, “you haven’t done anything wrong,” to make you feel better, you responded with a very harsh “Pft I know!” as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. Because truth is, after 5 years, cutting me completely because “I’m just not what you need right now,” IS actually wrong. By all means, you are in your full right to control your own life, but I should have more consideration than that, especially after you’ve made me feel guilty for 4 years after breaking your heart. I’m angry because even when I did that, I told you “YOU are my future, that future just isn’t right now,” whereas you just avoid this and at best you say “MAYBE after 4 months we can try something, but don’t get your hopes up.” I’m angry because you seemed very happy when you were with me, so you led me to believe you were very happy and then you essentially tell me not only were you not happy, it was so bad you never want to be with me again, potentially. I’m angry because despite mt flaws, I am a very good boyfriend day to day, and even when we were together I didn’t ask for much considering our many years together, and lastly I’m really angry you’re making me seem and feel like a crazy person for being that boyfriend. NO, I’m not obsessed with you. You were my go-to when I was alone, as so many significant others are, but I am alone a lot, and I should have found other ways to cope, I get that now, but that doesn’t make me crazy. I have always been alone and it’s not a problem. Now it’s a problem, because now I don’t even have the security of knowing that when I see you, whether a day, a week or a month, I’ll be able to hug and kiss you. I’m angry because you keep going out until 4,5,6 in the morning and still tell me you want less and you have so much work and never wanted to do those things with me. Of course all I want to do is ask what happened, who was there, did something happen, have anything happened over the past two months, etc…. but I’m trying to be 100% supportive. I’m angry you don’t even invite me to your party. Yes I know someone else organized, but for Christ’s sake, it was your house, Dom was there etc.. I’m angry about all the promises you never kept and made it seem like it was my fault. Whether a boyfriend, friend or even someone you never met; you make a promise you keep it! You don’t constantly go back on it because you liked the later option better! I’m angry about a lot of things, but most of all, I’m angry that you seem to have given up on me. I know you love me, I know I make you happy when we’re balanced, I know we’re amazing together as long as we’re aligned. I know I make you laugh, I know you like being retarded around me, we have fun together, and we both know we’re great together physically. If you have fallen out of love with me, it would be the most heartbreaking thing I can imagine, but I don’t think that’s the case. Whenever we meet, even now, I can still feel it, I can feel your love, I can see it in your eyes, I can feel it in your touch. You have to fight to hold back… I’m angry that you’ve managed to turn the whole world against me in a matter of a couple of months. Meaning I feel alone in the belief that one day we’ll be together again. I’m angry, but more saddened you don’t talk about or do things now because you don’t “have to.” As in you do things in a relationship, answer me about things, because you “have to” because I’m your boyfriend. Bit even then, just like now there’s no obligation to do anything other than to just occasionally be there as a woman who loves a man. But you know what, I wouldn’t be the man you once fell in love with if I gave up just because I was alone. I have always been alone, yet I have always fought until my last breath for what I want and believe is right. I’d rather be your boyfriend and see you once every 1 or 2 weeks, than not having you.